Monday, 20 April 2009

Party panic

It's day two and I already have a wobble (amongst all the wobbly bits!). One of my friends is to be 40 and has a surprise party being planned. The phone call came out of the blue and has really put me into a panic. Not sure whether to just cry off and haven't even broached it with my husband. I haven't seen them for maybe three years and they are all super slim, super fit and very good looking. And me? Well enough said. The party is in three weeks and I just don't feel confident enough to go. This is unusual for me but i'm not sure I can face the "oh you look well!" Why do people always say this when you have gained welght? I suppose they have to say something but I think it would be better to say nothing. The looks say it all really.

Today has been good from an eating perspective except for the small chocolate indulged in at a meeting- they caught me at that "I want to go home and feel exhausted" time and just called out "We'll pep you up!" Must be more disciplined next time but 1 is better than 6!

I tried to upload a picture today. I couldn't crop the one I wanted so had to put up a least favourite- pictures are few and far between as I am always behind the camera, not in front. there's no editing package on this laptop so need to have a go at another time. Still hopefully over the months that may change- let's be positve

Sunday, 19 April 2009

We all have to start somewhere

Sunday 19th April 2009
15st 10.5 lbs.
Today i have begun a journey started many times before but I have never reached the end. This time I is different. This time I shall get there even if it means walking in little shuffles until i achieve the goal. I have never even contemplated a blog before, am not very computer literate and not sure why i would want to create a public document about my innermost demons but here goes.

Ever since I left college in 1986 the weight began to creep on.I had managed to stay under 9 stone for my whole college career but what happened next? I'm not sure if it was having the money to eat what I liked or just greediness but fat kept sliding out of nowhere to stick to each part of my body.As a family growing up weight was always an obsession with huge dramas unfolding over a measly half a stone. Mum was always at weightwatchers fighting the battle and constantly feeding us weight reducing food to fit with what ever the latest WW advice was. Food was loved by all but fat was a big issue and to be fought at all costs. Weight was talked about constantly and all three sisters always knew what the other weighed and I always thought I was overweight even at 8st 4lbs which would be a dream now. It took me years to accept my body as it was and love it for itself and not for what it should be although I don't have much of that feeling now.

Once I left college and started work the weight began to creep on like an unwanted unloved wart which you can't seem to stop getting bigger and bigger. A disastrous relationship over several years didn't help as i discovered eating for comfort and unhappiness, eating after drinking and Indian take away. When i met my husband and we eventually were engaged I weighed 13 and a half stone. Everyone says you gain weight when you were happy and that's certainly true but i seem to gain weight in all states of emotion!

In the pre- wedding ,dress fitting panic i managed to lose 3 and a half stone and thought i looked pretty good but still 10 and a half stone and a size 14. where were those days when a size 12 was too big?! Post wedding the weight started to increase in a euphoric haze of happy days so that when i was first pregnant they needed to use the big cuff for my blood pressure and i very quickly lost the sight of my feet!! I managed not to gain too much in my first pregnancy but had little motivation to lose it afterwards as the baby was so adorable and i wanted to shower all my love and attention on my family rather than myself. The second baby came with eighteen months of the first and after he was born I realised the time had come to do some serious fat busting. By the time he was eighteen months i was in size sixteen at 11 and a half stone.

What happened ? I really don't know . But now ten years on my youngest is 10 and has never seen me anything other than fat or rather clinically obese- what a hideous term isn't it?! I have already lost 10 pounds but for me day one is today- the first step on a long,difficult mountainous journey which i am sure will be a windy tortuous path full of diversions and crevasses to fall down but I know it's achievable.

It would be good to arrive at a time: when i don't worry if my knickers are on the line and friends come around (Bridget jones doesn't know the meaning of big knickers!); when I could go into a normal shop and have my pick of clothes; when i could bend down qithout huffing; when my back doesn't ache after lying in bed; when I could walk a few miles without feeling exhausted; when my knees didn't hurt from carrying all this weight ; when I look in the mirror and don't see my tummy in a huge roll like a mass of quivering lard; when my arms don't wave back at me: when i feel remotely healthy instead of a huge gelatinous mass waddling like a lumbering imitaion of a hippopotamous; when my face is dfined and not surrounded by an extra layer. Oh this could go on and but it's day one so here goes!